Different Kids, Different Grief Processes

May as well kick this new blog off with a heart wrencher

Originally posted on my old website on 24 August 2022.

This week has been shit. Full of grief for our whole family.

Grief for half of us having Covid, and the other half trying to stay clear in the hopes we can avoid it. (I'm one of the avoiderers) our family love to be close to each other. Ask my friends and I'm not really a hugger. I'm getting better in my old age, and there are some friends where we've always hugged, but most, I won't naturally go in for a hug, though I'll always hug back. But my kids and husband - we're very much huggers.

Staying distant from my husband and son, it's been absolute torture. My boy needs his mama hugs and while he's well old enough to understand why I'm keeping my distance, it fucking sucks.

The main source of our grief, though, has been our dog. You can read the full story of why we have grieved our pup HERE, but this story is about kids handle grief so differently. With us in isolation, we haven't been allowed to visit him at the vet clinic, and although some family members have kindly been to visit him and give him cuddles, us not being allowed to ourselves has been so sad.

Once we broke the news to them on Tuesday night that Alfie is quite likely not coming home to us, the four of us were utterly broken. Devastated. He has been with us for 2 years and is absolutely our 3rd child. To hear your dog brother is probably going to be put to sleep, it broke them.

I'm hoping by the time this story goes live we will have a resolution and he will be home again with us, but at the time of writing, it is looking very grim, and we aren't the type to keep it from our kids, and so when they started asking when will Alfie be home, and talking about how they miss him and can't wait to give him Covid hugs, we had to tell them.

And that's the point of this. Dex is almost 13. Internalises things a lot and is the most empathetic and caring kid you'll ever meet. Ambi is 10. Hugely intelligent, very open with her feelings and needs to know the why for EVERYTHING.

They were both devastated, lots of tears. Tuesday night had us in two pairs: The has Covids and the don't have Covids. Hugging and crying more tears than we have ever cried in our collective lives. It was horrible. A good couple of hours solid of intense, body shaking, soul destroying crying. All four of us. They've not had to deal with loss like this before and they didn't know how to process it.

In between tears, Dex didn't say much. He listened, he asked the odd question, and took everything in. Ambi however, she needed to know the why and how of EVERYTHING.

How will they do it?

Will we be there? (cue a big discussion about who wants to be there and who doesn't)

Will he be sore?

Will he know?

There were so many questions, and it was very matter of fact. Every answer brought fresh tears and utter sadness. Then, when the tears stopped, a new question. And more tears.

Today was no better. So many tears. More questions from Ambi. As much as we really didn't feel in the frame of mind to answer them, we knew it was her way of dealing with things and needed answers to process it all.

Dex, very quiet, recovering from Covid and processing in his way - not many questions, but lots of thoughts. Disappearing off to his room for a time, where as Ambi has been in my pocket all week, barely leaving my side. He tries to hold it together to be strong for his sister, and we've said to him many times this week - it's ok to grieve. It's ok for Ambi to see you sad, to see us sad.

Adam and I tried to be strong for them, but we were so heartbroken as well that we just couldn't. But I think that's ok. It's ok for our kids to see us have strong emotions. Not being able to hug each other just compounded the sadness and made it all so much harder. We'd stare at each other across the room and just feel so alone.

Tonight we got the news that he left it til the absolute final hour before we make the official decision to say goodbye, and has started eating again finally, and keeping it down, after almost a week of no food or drink, besides IV fluids. It's very early days, and I hope that by the time you read this, he will be back home with us, but we have had to make it very clear to the kids - this isn't over. He may get better, but it isn't a definite yet. He may go backwards again.

So the good news bought more tears, of course. Happier tears, but very confused - we've been planning to say goodbye to our pup and now maybe we won't have to?

Hopefully we do not have to say goodbye. But the way these kids have processed it so differently, it has blown my mind.