Where to from here?

I came on here to write and I see my last post was October last year. I didn’t mean it to take so long to come back, but well, life.

Nothing has improved since October, if anything things got far worse. I don’t think I’ve ever hated my body as much as I currently do. A dramatic statement maybe, but it is what it is. I have a lot of work to do to get back to more of a body-positive mindset, that’s for sure. I finished off 2023 a fat, lazy unmotivated, overworked ball of stress and it was awful. As you can tell, I didn’t think much of myself and I largely kept it quiet.

Going on HRT did not help in any way, I got worse. I gained even more weight (7kg in 4 months which now isn’t shifting and it’s all in my stomach and face), I was more miserable in myself and I found myself just not giving a shit. I hated that I had gained even more weight to reach my highest weight ever, but I also didn’t care enough to do anything about it.

Far easier to wallow in self-hatred.

I finally got my appointment with the hospital Gynae to discuss my options, I’ve been put down for a Hysteroscopy, and Mirena insertion on the semi-urgent list (about 2 months max) I really don’t want a Mirena but everyone tells me it’s the only option, even though it’s a maybe-fix, nothing guaranteed. At this point, I’d rather just get a Hysterectomy and be done with it. No more excruciating periods or being on the pill as a bandaid fix.

At least I’ll get to come off the pill, that’s something. The Gynae was disgusted that I was on HRT and said he wished Doctors would stop putting people on it when they are obviously not in menopause. Still bleeding - not menopause. Blanket rule, despite any other symptoms or the fact I didn’t say MENOPAUSE. I said perimenopause. Regardless, he wanted me to come off it, and so I have and will reassess after the Mirena is in. He’s not my favourite person but I guess I don’t have many options at this point.

To be fair, I’ve now been off it for 3 weeks and I feel slightly better. Certainly not worse. My sleep is still absolute garbage and I’m bloated as fuck and the scales haven’t budged. But emotionally I feel a little better so that’s a start. I’m not such a bundle of nerves, as bad as it was before HRT, it got far worse in the 6 months I was on it.

So while I wait for that appointment, I’m working on ME. My mindset. Being kinder to myself. Moving more. I’ve been in a deep hole for so long, it will take a lot of work, but I know what to do.

Totally back to basics.

I’m dealing with a couple of injuries (let’s be honest. When am I ever NOT dealing with injuries?) that have made going for walks not an option, so I’m trying to do as much swimming as I can which has been a lifesaver in this heat, I’m doing some bodyweight exercises daily and am about to move back into weights, which I know I love once I’m in the habit. I love feeling strong. Besides that, drinking more water, prioritising self-care and just working on the negative self-talk. I’m a work in progress, but I do see progress.

So. Where to from here?

In business - my new team member is proving to be a worthwhile investment and already is helping take the pressure off hugely. There is a lot of growth happening this year, so I’m glad I hired her 3 months ago so she’s ready to go when things go crazy.

Mindset - Just keep working on it. I have done this before and I can do it again. I’ll never get back to being a coach of exactly this area until my own mind is back in the right place, so that’s an incentive in itself. I’ve never felt this low about my body. Some problems are out of my control, but some of it - I can definitely work on. So I start there. Make myself give a shit.

Eating - I know what I need to do. Get back to a place of giving a shit about eating properly, not drown myself in chips and chocolate. The last year has seen me become much more sensitive to gluten and dairy, so that is a good place to start. I also know I do well on a higher protein diet, so I’m focusing on bringing my protein intake up. Portion sizes aren’t too bad, in fact, I get full a lot faster these days and am better at stopping at enough. It’s just WHAT I’m eating that’s the issue.

Fitness - Both kids are back at school this week and I already have a plan. The gym is all set back up, dusted off, and ready to go, I’m buying a new boxing bag next week and once my calf injury is under control, my daughter is going to go on the bus home from school and our meeting place is a nice sport perfect for walks so we will start going for a walk after school when she hops off the bus. I’ll build my distances up from there, but I don’t see my old 12-16km walks happening for a while yet.

So, that’s me. Not exactly a happy post, and definitely an overshare. But I also know that I’m not the only one feeling this way, so maybe hearing that others have the same problems as you, might help.

The only way is up, right?